T=Truth (#coateisaGOAT)
What is the correct response to someone that tells you, “Oh my gosh! You look so good,” after you have been trying to lose weight? Obviously, the appropriate response is, “Thank you so much. I have been working really hard.” This should be an easy exchange, right? So why does it leave me so perplexed? I know that I overthink everything. I should just take it at face value. But honestly, when someone said this to me today my mind spiraled. Why? Why does my mind do this to me? Why is it so hard for me to view myself as others see me?
Four years ago, after my husband left me, I was the most broken I had ever been. I remember my sister saying to me, “Maggie, I just wish that you could see yourself through my eyes.” She was trying to help me by getting me out of my own head and the cycle of self-pity, self-doubt and self-loathing that had become my state of mind during that time. She also loved me so much and could not understand why I had let myself get where I was mentally. Why was I giving into my negative self-talk and insecurities? I have a feeling you know the voice I am talking about. You know what else? That negative internal voice is a liar! That negative internal voice is really just fear.
At that time in my life, I was afraid. I did not want to have to face my new reality as an overweight, single mom, divorced for the second time. How much more damaged could I get? I did not want to be real and face the hard truth that I was up against. The truth was I was not happy or healthy. I was going through the motions living a life that I thought was expected of me and for me. I was living a life that looked like it was supposed to on the outside. How ironic, especially since this post started with someone telling me, “Oh my gosh! You look so good.” That’s what it’s all about, right? As long as everything is wrapped up with a pretty bow, I am doing good. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
But who determines how it’s supposed to look? Who determines what’s “doing good?” At that time in my life, it certainly wasn’t me. The sad thing is, up to this point in my life, it had never been me. My life was built on the approval and expectations of others. I am not blaming anyone for my path or my choices. I am also not complaining. This life, for me, has been filled with so much more than I deserve in all aspects. However, this was the first time I was looking at my life from a standpoint of, “clearly this is not working, and something’s got to give.” It took me being this broken to step outside of myself and really evaluate what I was allowing to happen in my own life. Until this life altering, not shattering, moment, I had never really looked at my own life without a filter. That’s right! I realized that I was living my life through the best SnapChat filter EVER, except instead of no wrinkles, super long lashes, perfectly placed freckles and puppy ears, my filter took the form of other peoples’ approval, expectations, validation, and earned love. I had no healthy boundaries. This is probably the moment that truly saved my life.
Next week, we’ll continue with Seeing Ourselves as Others See Us. Thanks for being here and have a great week!
Leave a Reply